Letters my husband won’t let me send
Dear Man On The Corner,
Please do not mow your yard at 6am on a Saturday morning. Also, the edger has to go. As does the leaf blower. Your yard might be pretty and tidy by 7am, but I am not. I am cranky, and cranky is not pretty.
Awake and Cranky.
Did you know that your dogs bark? All day, All night, when you are home, when you are not? Every time they bark, I spill my vodka coffee, and am starting to develop a nervous twitch. It is not attractive, and right now I need all the help I can get. Please start taking action or your large and noisy dogs will find themselves on the wrong end of a slingshot and ice cubes.
Frazzled and Sober
Dear Mr Bus Driver,
Here in the “sunshine state” we call those things you insist on driving over the top of, “roundabouts.” Generally drivers are expected to drive around them in an orderly fashion. Crashing over the top of them leaves me in danger of choking on my unborn baby, and having undue harm done to my nose from my enormous knockers. Please, follow the road rules. It saves me money when I don’t have to send “I love you” text messages to my family each and every time I get on board.
Bruised and Breathless.
Yes, you are currently the proud owner of one large unborn child. That is no excuse to suddenly start springing stretch marks on stretch marks for no good reason. If you must insist on stretch marks please just resurrect the ones I already have. My husband is starting to confuse me with a road map, and it’s getting embarrassing.
The food provider.
Dear woman who speed walks at 5am,
I hate you.
Fat and Lazy.