___ , do you take ____ for your lawful wedded wife/husband, to live in the holy estate of matrimony? {Wait, estate? What estate?!} Will you love, honour, comfort, and cherish her from this day forward, {Between you and me, if that hadn’t all been happening before now, I wouldn’t be standing here…} forsaking all others, keeping only unto her/him for as long as you both shall live? {Forsake me, and life will be short.}

I do. {Damn straight you do!}

I ____ take thee _____ to be my wedded wife / husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love, honour, and cherish, ’til death do us part, and thereto I plight thee my troth.

Six years into this thing called marriage and I’m realizing what we should have said is this:

(Matt)  ”I promise to share the remote, never pull the blankets over your head when I fart, and generally try and keep my self in an acceptable state of hygiene. I will take care of the yard work, make sure your car tires are always inflated and there is oil in your engine. Also, I will take care of all six and eight legged creatures that should find their way into the house, and most nights, I will cook and wash the dishes. I will change dirty nappies, and get up to the kids when they cry in the night. And I’ll love you, even when you gain 25 kilos through seven pregnancies in six years. I will still want to have sex with you. Regularly.”

(Tam) –  ”I promise to occasionally venture into the kitchen and cook you something that will not poison you, or light the house on fire. I’ll wash your stinky socks, and raise your whinging children while you go to work each day. And I’ll greet you with a smile when you come home at least 30% of the time. Unless it’s that time of the month. At that point you’ll receive the ‘look’ that implies my existence is your fault (By the way, it better not be…)  and you should ply me with chocolate and wine until I tell you otherwise. I will make painful attempts at making coffee, do housework sporadically and make you laugh at my stupidity regularly. And I will love you. Even when you gain weight in sympathy with my weight gain through seven pregnancies in six years. And I will want to have sex with you. Most of the time. With the lights off. Always with the lights off. “