My face blew up.

One day I was fine, hanging out with the kids, and feeling a little big achy around a tooth, the next day BAM. Half my face was three times bigger than the other side, there was a massive lump on the roof of my mouth and I had no idea what the hell was going on. By ‘next day’ I mean 3am the next morning, by the way.

Naturally, I rushed right off to the hospital to get seen to and to find out why my entire head felt as thought it was going to explode. No, wait. That’s what someone else would do. I just took some left over penicillin tablets, dosed up on pain killers and went to work. After a hearty dose of Googling to work out which ailment was going to kill me.  Did you know that abscessed teeth actually do kill people? Huh!

I bit the bullet and made a dental appointment – my first one in 14 years. The only thing I hate more than going to the dentist is paying for the dentist. Sunday night saw me down at the local medical centre waiting in line to see the one doctor. I wanted some more antibiotics since I had gone through our supply at home, and I knew the tooth was going to be yanked but it was still gross so wanted the extra reassurance of the antibiotics.

There was myself, and two other families in the waiting room. I was sitting far down the back, avoiding the germs, because apart from the fact that my mouth was oozing toxic pus and my head was three times its usual size, I wasn’t sick and I sure as hell didn’t want their little germ demons coming near me and infecting me. Choice of seat at the doctor’s office is always important. Never sit near the counter – All the sick people go to the counter – you want to be far. Far. Away. I took my seat, bemoaned the fact that I’d been told it was going to be a long wait, but my trusty iphone had only 15% of battery left and got ready to be bored.

Somehow, I realized the family a few rows in front of me with the (what seemed like) fifteen children (but was really only four) had come in with no shoes on. Classy area we live in! There was another family sitting over to the right hand side – a Mum, Dad and little girl. Who was listening to the wiggles on the Mum’s phone. Loudly. I really hate the wiggles.

After about a half hour of sitting there, a new player entered the game. Bucket lady looked about 60, came in with her husband and her bucket and took a seat front and centre of the germ zone. She threw up. In the bucket. Multiple times. I felt sorry for her but now I’m thinking there is an excellent chance I’m leaving here with the plague.

Shortly thereafter hilarity ensued. The sliding doors opened, and in ran a dog. The children were delighted, the receptionist was horrified. “Get out! Bad Dog! Bad Dog! Get Out!” Yeah right, the dog wasn’t going anywhere, so long as there were people to lick, and places to run!

The dog did a couple of laps running up and down the rows of chairs, through the waiting room. He went  behind the counter, up to the toilets and back down to the front counter and at that exact moment the doctor stuck his head out, and called my name. I stood up, grabbed my bag and watched in horror as the dog ran towards the bucket, with the receptionist right behind him. Dog wove right, receptionist didn’t weave and her right foot caught the bottom of the bucket and sent it airborne.

Bucket o-spew went everywhere. It was simultaneously the most hilarious, most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen in my life. And that is how I learnt that you should never leave the house without shoes.