The carrot beckons
Struggle. This whole week has been one massive shit-fight and It’s beaten me into the ground.
I know I shouldn’t carry it around with me, that it will drag me into the ground and crush me until I can’t breathe anymore. Intellectually knowing something doesn’t mean my brain will allow me to believe it. Knowing that it’s eating into my soul and making me less than who I am, less than who I can and should be on a daily basis just drags me deeper into the mire, the loathing, the not understanding. I feel like there are days where I just have no idea who I am.
I suck at cutting ties. There are some truly toxic people in my world, they are draining the life out of me but for some reason I just keep fighting for whatever shred of relationship is left dangling in front of me – the proverbial donkey/carrot scenario. The difference being I don’t really want to catch the carrot, I just don’t know how to stop walking towards it. Every time I start thinking about walking away I remember how things once were. How good things were once. The friendship and the support that got me through. All of that is gone now. Yet I have this ridiculous emotional tie to the dark & disturbing because once upon a time in it was light and goodness. I hold it close for what it once was, not what it is now. I’m bound to these relationships because my baby died and they got me through it. That’s an impossible tie to cut. To decide that the people who once carried you when you couldn’t even put your legs under you to get out of bed are no longer positive influences in a life that would be shattered into a million pieces without them is impossible. But I sit there – falling to one side of the line wishing desperately the line didn’t have to exist, but not knowing what to do about it.
I’m walking in circles of desperation and frustration and there are no forwards or backwards in circles. Just around, and around. I can’t let it go, but I can’t move on either. The carrot beckons and like a broken ass I walk towards it. Every. Damn. Time.