The carrot beckons

Struggle. This whole week has been one massive shit-fight and It’s beaten me into the ground.

I know I shouldn’t carry it around with me, that it will drag me into the ground and crush me until I can’t breathe anymore. Intellectually knowing something doesn’t mean my brain will allow me to believe it. Knowing that it’s eating into my soul and making me less than who I am, less than who I can and should be on a daily basis just drags me deeper into the mire, the loathing, the not understanding. I feel like there are days where I just have no idea who I am.

I suck at cutting ties. There are some truly toxic people in my world, they are draining the life out of me but for some reason I just keep fighting for whatever shred of relationship is left dangling in front of me – the proverbial donkey/carrot scenario. The difference being I don’t really want to catch the carrot, I just don’t know how to stop walking towards it. Every time I start thinking about walking away I remember how things once were. How good things were once. The friendship and the support that got me through. All of that is gone now. Yet I have this ridiculous emotional tie to the dark & disturbing because once upon a time in it was light and goodness. I hold it close for what it once was, not what it is now. I’m bound to these relationships because my baby died and they got me through it. That’s an impossible tie to cut. To decide that the people who once carried you when you couldn’t even put your legs under you to get out of bed are no longer positive influences in a life that would be shattered into a million pieces without them is impossible. But I sit there – falling to one side of the line wishing desperately the line didn’t have to exist, but not knowing what to do about it.

I’m walking in circles of desperation and frustration and there are no forwards or backwards in circles. Just around, and around. I can’t let it go, but I can’t move on either. The carrot beckons and like a broken ass I walk towards it. Every. Damn. Time.

0saves
Love it? Hate it? Let me know! leave a comment or subscribing to the RSS feed to have all things NNQ delivered to your feed reader!

8 Responses to The carrot beckons

  • Jane says:

    I don’t know these people. But I know you, and I know that you don’t need any more ‘toxic’ in your life. Maybe these people had a role in your life, at a time when you needed them, and now it is time to move on to new chapters? It doesn’t lessen the impact, or diminish the importance their presence had in your life, you will always treasure the support they were able to give you, when you needed it most. But maybe now, there are new carrots to walk towards, fresh carrots, that sustain the you that you are now? Love you xx

    [Reply]

    Tam Reply:

    Wise beyond your years, Jane x

    [Reply]

  • ljfur1 says:

    Love you! Like Jane said maybe these people have played there part in your life. You know that poem reason, seaso, lifetime. And there season is over. I love you Tam and you do not need people in your life bringing you down. I know what its like though, I can never cut people out no matter how ‘toxic’ they are.
    Love you, chin up you’ll get through this. Big Hugs xo

    [Reply]

    Tam Reply:

    Thank you thank you thank you. xx

    [Reply]

  • I completely understand this post. I know how it feels to want to close a chapter of the book of life and move towards the light. It doesn’t mean that you’re disrespecing the things that happened during that chapter. It doesn’t mean that you will ever forget a single word of that chapter or will never go back and re-read that chapter. It’s a pivotal chapter of the book. It just means that you need to avoid being suffocated and avoid being prevented from moving forward. Some people simply do not possess the capacity to move forward, and they feel threatened when other people move forward. They’re parasitic: they descend upon you with their constant crises and their negativity, suck the lifeblood out of you and then swoop off to descend upon somebody else while you lie there feeling like you’ve been drained by a vampire. Which, actually, you have.

    It’s so hard to not feel a sense of obligation to people who have been in the trenches with you as you fought the mother of all battles. But I think that toxic people know that. They understand human nature very well, and they know that people feel a sense of obligation and they use it to their advantage. It doesn’t matter to them that other people have been through a similar experience (or even a worse experience) than their own and are managing as best they can. All that matters to them is that their own immediate needs are met. They rationalise their selfish behaviour by believing that nobody else has had a harder time than they have, and believing that this entitles them to hijack discussions or dismiss any views that differ from their own. They are completely unable to see any situation from any perspective other than their own. It is almost impossible to maintain a friendship with a person who is totally self-absorbed, who keeps dragging you back to the darkness to keep themselves company.

    One thing that has helped me to deal with people like this is to put them at arms length for quite a while. I just ignore them, regardless of how often they try to make contact. What I’ve found is that they either don’t notice or don’t care. They keep trying to make contact, but in the meantime they simply descend on other people who will pay attention to them and meet their constant needs. It’s helped me to realise that I am not indispensible, and that if I withdraw my friendship completely they will survive. These people survive in the same way cockroaches do. Years ago, I worked in a very tall building in Brisbane (known as the Batman Building because it looks like something from Gotham City). There was a clerk (I’ll call her Jane Doe) who worked on the 5th floor who made an least one outrageous fuck-up every week and never got fired. Some of us often said that if the building ever burned down, there’d be three survivors: the rubber plants, the cockroaches and Jane Doe.

    [Reply]

    Tam Reply:

    Your last sentence gave me a much needed laugh. Thank you! :D

    [Reply]

  • Heidi says:

    Tam – I understand how you feel. A few months ago I let my best friend go and un-friended her. Part of me felt awful because she was (somewhat) supportive during Ellery’s health crisis, and we’ve been friends since middle school, but she was just exhausting. It took me almost a year to do it, but I finally just cut the cord. There were a couple bigger fall-outs and I just decided enough was enough.

    Just my two cents, but I understand how you feel!

    Love you!

    [Reply]

    Tam Reply:

    I’m really sorry that you had to make that decision, Heidi. It’s a big one. I made a similar one with my BF a very long time ago now. It sucked, but fortunately for me she acted in a way that made it easier. Thanks for the love xx

    [Reply]

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

CommentLuv badge